EVERYTHING Is Good For You In Moderation

We have all been told wine is good for you in moderation. Duh. A new study reported on the Today Show discusses that coffee is good for you in moderation. Coffee has health benefits, such as "wakefulness" "increases cognitive ability" and "increased muscle coordination and strength." It also helps the heart and a bunch of other stuff like that... No kidding, that's why I drink two pots of coffee a day. Then again, that is why my teeth get stains and I'm wired every night and groggy every morning. Brewing a fresh pot of joe at midnight is not moderation.

That's why they always throw in "moderation". But everything is good for you in moderation. I bet Guns n' Roses and Iron Maiden is good for an in utero fetus in moderation because of its intensely sophisticated audio stimuli that will increase a child's ability to work with system rules at intensely fast rates. But, of course, only in moderation or they may turn to harder bands like Deicide and Emperor and end up like me : some guy working retail because he can't get a job at an architecture firm while he does freelance work on a $250 million Masonic Library and Museum in Texas, even though no architecture schools want to accept him so he can finish his Masters... but that's another matter. Cigarettes are good for you in moderation : after you eat they semi-clean the teeth (that's supposed why the French and Italians do it) and it dilates the arteries and increases blood flow.

I can't think of many things that are not good for you in moderation. Cyanide is probably good for you in moderation, probably only trace amounts (like the amount in a cigarette), but that's moderation! It has shown that swearing is good for you in moderation. Just when you think you can't take it anymore and you just yell "Fuck!" really loud has shown to reduce pain and increase satisfaction (whatever that means).

Here is the real test : just type in anything into a search engine and add "is good for your health" at the end of your item of inquiry and see what you get. Practically anything you can think of will be good for you, but somewhere in the article it will say "in moderation". Currently the only things I have found that were not studied to be good for you are :
-Anal sex with Adolf Hitler's corpse
-Bill O'Reilly's grandmother's cat
-Turning the lights on and off until the bulb blows
-... ... ...

Okay, it will actually be a long list. It could practically turn into a Cantor Set of sorts (i.e. for every positive element to your health in moderation will correspond to something not yet studied to be good for your health... ad infinitum). But we could easily break up each inquiry into smaller parts and test them. Anal sex is good for you in moderation (at least no negative effects). And so are corpses (i.e. organ transplants and medical experiments). But Adolf Hitler has been found to not be good for your health (if you're not of the white Christian Aryan race)... so the first can be concluded as a NO / MAYBE. Bill O'Reilly, grandmothers, and cats have found to have positive effects on health (so says Bill O'Reilly). So YES(?) Lights either on or off have positive effects to your health in moderation. Blown light bulbs have yet to have been tested, so the third is inconclusive.

The point here is that common sense has turned into an imperative authorization to continue to do the things we love. Men like to masturbate. We just do. Recent scientific evidence has shown that sperm start to deform after 36-48 hours and will, therefore, have difficulty in getting to egg. Masturbation allows males to get rid of the old sperm and generate fresh new ones that are more capable for fertilizing an egg. Now we have an evolutionary excuse. But why do we need an excuse to masturbate? Why can't "I just felt like it" or "I was horny" or "I was bored" or "I just like to" be sufficient enough?

I like to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes, albeit more than moderately (by a long shot). But the next time someone tells me why I should quite smoking or not drink coffee I can always throw at them medical evidence of how it is good for you in moderation. That's the point of all this "medical evidence" : to authorize every decision we make that can be scrutinized for their negativity. We haven't come very far in our ways of progress (whatever that means). Before the gods had to tell us what was good or bad. Then came the kings, emperors, Caesars, and Popes. Now we have scientist and their medical evidence. Why can't we just do the things we enjoy and accept the costs of having a bit of fun and pleasure without authorization from any but ourselves?

"I'm willing to take seven years off my life in order to not sound like one of you whiny non-smokers."
~Bill Hicks